How cute, right?
I hate to be the one to ruin the illusion but this sweet looking, butter-wouldn’t-melt girl has an addiction. It’s bad, real bad, worse than ice… it’s (wow, I can barely bring myself to type the word)… Frozen.
You may have heard of it. It has spread like wildfire around the globe over the last few months. Alarmingly, the younger members of our community are the most vulnerable. For those who aren’t familiar with the insidious phenomenon, it’s not a drug, it’s far, far worse – an animated feature film. Worse still, a musical.
Being that Abby can’t speak, she has a special call she saves for when she wants Frozen to be played. It’s one of the distinct, unique, calls she can communicate. There’s I’m happy, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I need the toilet… and now I want to watch Frozen. That’s right, there are unique calls for the most essential of her needs as a human – and then I want to watch Frozen.
This unique call starts as a low cute hum, but, if her need is not satisfied, will rapidly escalate to a cyclonic thunderstorm of THX sound-system proportions. The play button must be pressed to sate the beast, another pixel sacrifice to the Frozen gods.
But this, lades and gentlemen, is where the story takes a twist. Not only is this addiction lurking in kids, some still in nappies, its reach is spreading. I realise now, I’m starting to exhibit some of the early symptoms. That’s right, I fear Abby’s addiction is becoming mine.
In truth, it probably started before I was even aware – a foot tap here, an ‘it’s crazy, we finish each others’ sandwiches’ there – all without being aware something was changing within me.
But then came the moment, sometime early into what was probably my 87th passive viewing of Disney’s animated musical blockbuster, I heard the guitar intro and I sang out (completely of my own accord), ‘Reindeers are better than people.”
I put my hand over my mouth and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. What have I done? Good news and bad. The good news – Abby was the only witness and she wasn’t going to tell anyone (on account of her not being able to speak). She smiled a knowing smile.
‘Sven, don’t you think that’s true?’
Ahh, I did it again.
And that’s when the bad news hit me. She was toying with me, she was getting me hooked on Frozen and she was loving every minute of it. She did her laugh, her evil laugh. Oh yeah, she has one! I’m serious, I’m going to post a video of it to youtube one day.
It didn’t take long for my symptoms to escalate, before I knew it I was throwing in novelty voices.
‘Yes, people will beat you, curse you and cheat you.’
Did that just happen?
Abby had gone from my sweet child to a mix between my dealer and my enabler.
“Every one of them’s bad except you.”
Why have I picked up my guitar? Why have I looked up the chords for Reindeers are better than people on the internet? Wwwwhhhhhyyyyyyyy?
My journey to the dark side was complete, there’s no saving me now. I’ve been Frozened.
That’s my story – my confession. Hopefully this cautionary tale has reached you before it’s too late. Consider yourself warned.
I guess there’s nothing else to do but say goodnight.
“Don’t let the frostbite, bite”
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
